


Homestuck told via Chatposts

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Microfiction, Multi, tumblr port
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 19:37:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17028744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: An archive of the little humorous chatpost fics I did on tumblr between March 2015 and December 2018, presented in order of theme.





	1. Those Wacky Ancestors

Eridan: oh my glub my ancestor! givve me some advvice!  
Dualscar: Don't let any glubber come in ya or yall bloat up an get grubs comin out of yah.  
Eridan: ...

* * *

 

Dualscar: Here be all the intelligence I'vwe gathered on one Marquis Spinneret Mindfang. *gives huge book*  
Grand Highblood: *flips through book* why in the name of the mirthful messiahs DO I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HER HAIR SMELLS LIKE?

* * *

 

Grand Highblood at the beginning: Greetings, your Imperious Condescension. How may I serve you?  
Grand Highblood after a couple of centuries: Sup bitch, what's cooking?

* * *

 

Condesce: for yah crimes against the empire, i sentence you to death, mr...  
Aide: Mituna Captor, your Imperiousness.  
Condesce: mituna? sentence commuted to eternal life.

* * *

 

Grand Highblood: I'M GONNA PLAY WITH YOUR MOTHERFUCKING PUMP BISCUIT  
Darkleer: (`ζ´) Jokes on you, I'm dead inside

* * *

 

Grand Highblood: I have brought y'all motherfuckers here for...  
Motherfuckers: A threesome?  
Grand Highblood: No, not that! For Messiah's sake I've only done that two times out of a motherfucking science number of meetings!  
Motherfuckers: (disappointed)

* * *

 

Heckler: Y0u'r3 wr0ng!  
Signless: I'm s9rry y9u feel that way 6ut...  
Psiioniic: H3Y W3 DONT GO WH3R3 YOU WORK 4ND SL4P TH3 HIGH8LOOD BULG35 OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!!

* * *

 

Grand Highblood: i will take your proud spirit  
Grand Highblood: AND CRUSH IT  
Darkleer: Jokes on you I'm already dead inside （◞‸◟）

(wait what)

* * *

 

Grand Highblood: darkleer has humiliated me  
Grand Highblood: SO I WILL HUMILIATE HIM  
Grand Highblood: i'll dress him like a miserably lowly  
Grand Highblood: HOOFBEAST  
Later  
Grand Highblood: ffffuck

* * *

 

Loyal Scientist: Wh3n th3 n3xt Signl3ss is hatch3d, what should his lusus b3?  
Signless: A cra6.  
Loyal Scientist: But won't h3 b3 a land-dw3ll3r lik3 you? Should h3 hav3 a land animal lik3 -  
Signless: N9 WAY CRA6S ARE FUCKING AWES9ME MAKE A CRA6  
Loyal Scientist: Um okay.

* * *

 

Grand Highblood: E%ECUTOR DARKLEER  
Grand Highblood: FOR YOUR MOST UNFUNNY CRIMES AGAINST THE EMPIRE YOU WILL BE HUNG TOMORROW AT DUSK.  
Mindfang: *whispers in Darkleer's ear*  
Darkleer: 8==D How can I be hung tomorrow  
Darkleer: 8==D When I'm already hung tonight  
Grand Highblood: ...  
Grand Highblood: DAMN NOW I HAVE TO LET YOU GO.

* * *

 

## A conversation that happened often

Condesce: Who is Dualscar?  
Grand Highblood: *whispering in her ear* He's your Orphaner.  
Condesce: *knits hands* Dualscar, eh?

* * *

 

Darkleer: Why don't we be matesprits  
Disciple: YOU KILLED MY LOVER 33:<  
Darkleer: Let's not quibble about who killed who

* * *

 

Little Signless: Tr9ll lusus, I heard s9me9ne say y9u were a rain69w drinker.  
Dolorosa: N+onsense.  
Dolorosa: N+ow drink y+our s+oup before it cl+ots.

* * *

 

## Signless' Sermon on the Mount

Signless: And s9 I say t9 y9u...  
Dolorosa: It's c+old +on this m+ountain! Y+ou have t+o wear y+our cl+oak!  
Signless: Tr9ll lusus, c9me 9n, I'm busy!

* * *

 

Mindfang: ...and that's how I seduced and assin8ed the entire guard.  
Mindfang: What a8out you?  
Darkleer: I've been depressed but I'm trying to keep my spirits up by working on...  
Mindfang: Ughh! Stop talking a8out yourself!

* * *

 

Grand Highblood: for your crimes against the empire  
Grand Highblood: I SENTENCE YOU TO -  
Darkleer: [>=< ] You can't fire me I quit  
Darkleer: *storms out*  
Grand Highblood: what  
Redglare: Th4t 1s techn1c4lly leg4l.

* * *

 

Darkleer: D > There might be a mole in my organization.  
Grand Highblood: THERE'S A MOTHER FUCKING MOLE UNDER MEULIN'S LEFT RUMBLESPHERE FOR SURE.  
Darkleer: ...

* * *

 

## Before the Coronation

Couturier: Here we have the imperial regalia including...  
Condesce: i'm just gonna wear a bodysuit  
Condesce: *does so for rest of her life*

* * *

 

Mindfang: (I can feel the low8lood's heat from here. She desires me. Let me just slowly slide up and seduce her.)  
Dualscar: (wvhy the fuck is she trying to get to first base wvith the boiler can't she wvear her glasses for once?)

* * *

 

Signless' Final Sermon in fanon: *an eloquent plea for equality and peace*  
What it was probably really like: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCK

* * *

 

Mindfang: I have stolen that which is most precious to you.  
Dualscar: NO NOT MY CONDESCE BODY PILLOWV!  
Mindfang: I meant your demo tapes 8ut that's useful to know.

* * *

 

Mindfang: (Ahh, I see my kismesis staring at me. He's jealous I have taken yet another low8lood lover. What a fool he's making of himself!)  
Dualscar: (urghh, she's got a boogie hanging dowvn her nose! i should tell her...ah! she just vwiped her nose wvith her glovwe! ye gods! she's the most disgusting wvoman i havwe met!)

* * *

 

Summoner: so ghb says to me...he says...  
Darkleer: *gets heart attack over that abbrv.*

* * *

 

Signless: And that's h9w we can all fight this 9ppressive hem9spectrum. Any questi9ns?  
Troll: 1 h4ve one.  
Signless: Yes?  
Troll: Wh4t qu4dr4nt 4re you and the d1sc1ple 1n? 1 me4n, for re4l.  
Signless: 9h f9r fuck sake n9t that again.

* * *

 

Dualscar: *sighs* still havwen't heard back from condy. i wvish someone wvould listen to my mixtape  
Grand Highblood: I LISTENED.  
Dualscar: OH SH-

* * *

 

## who is the better alpha male romantic lead?

Christian Grey: got his job because his rich mom's rich friend gave him start-up money  
Grand Highblood: killed a motherfucker

* * *

 

Summoner: Hey Fangy, your arm's look1ng a l1l st1ff.  
Summoner: Maybe we should v1s1t your sexy mechan1c fr1end.  
Mindfang: Sexy?  
Summoner: 1 sa1d vexy.  
Summoner: As 1n he's vexed w1th a lot of probs...what w1th ex1le and reject1on and sh1t.  
Mindfang: Sounds like a legitim8 word.

* * *

 

Darkleer: I don't know what this silly "funeral" business is all about but couldn't you blow it off to have a cup of coffee with

* * *

 

Dualscar: I havwe information on the location of marquise spinnret mindfang!  
Grand Highblood, who has just finished his weekly fuck buddy session with Mindfang: Oh really?

* * *

 

Condesce: next we will conchquer da six-legged motha fuckas a da planet sleipnir  
Grand Highblood: Say...  
Condesce: don't ya glubbin dare

* * *

 

Mindfang: Tell me my fortune.  
Magic 8-Ball: The Summoner will kill you.  
Mindfang: On platform!!!!!!!! Hahahahahahahaha! I love this game!

* * *

 

Mindfang: Help me.  
Darkleer: Neigh.  
Mindfang: Come on, didn't I spirit you away from execution?  
Darkleer: You sold me to a brothel! I had to dress up as a pony and have s*% with dozens of lowb100ds nightly! I spent two centuries there before the owner perished!  
Mindfang: And did you h8 it?  
Darkleer: *sighs* Come in and sit on my work bench.

* * *

 

## Dualscar and Mindfang have dinner

Dualscar: You are the most disgusting wvoman i havwe evwer met and you knowv wvhy?  
Mindfang: 8ecause I romance a large and varied amount of low8loods without a care?  
Dualscar: No, because you just drank out of the finger bowvl.  
Mindfang: O_O

* * *

 

Grand Highblood: YOU EVER HEAR OF GOOSH GOOSH?  
Some motherfucker: no, sir.  
Grand Highblood: YOU WILL SOON ;O)

* * *

 

Darkleer: 100k, if you persist in flirting with me I'll have to take this up with HR.  
GHB: SORRY ALREADY HAD THE ENTIRE DEPARTMENT SUBJUGGULATED.

* * *

 

## In which Dualscar tells the multiverse's funniest joke but it doesn't translate

Dualscar: And the pirate says "arrrr it's drivwing me nuts!" Get it?  
Grand Highblood: ...  
Grand Highblood: What are nuts?

* * *

 

Darkleer: (*ゝ∀･)v I swear  
Darkleer: (*ゝ∀･)v This century I'll stop feeling sorry for myself and move on with my impressive highb100d life  
Century: *passes*  
Darkleer: (ಠ ∩ಠ) Oh f*ddlesticks

* * *

 

Cronus: so you got laid bigtime in your univwerse...  
Dualscar: Arrrr but I also got crabs  
Cronus: crabs?  
Dualscar: You lucky you don't be knowving it

* * *

 

## In which Darkleer gets a new job

Darkleer: Hey this is Spinnmaster Leer coming at you with a song dedicated to my dear matesprit Meulin! I know you've been dead for two thousand sweeps and we were never technically matesprits but I still love you! Here it goes!  
Tiny MP3 player: *troll thom yorke voice* when you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye...

* * *

 

Dualscar: sir i havwe information on the infamous criminal marquise  
Grand Highblood: HOW COME YOU NEVER CALLED ME AFTER THE VICTORY BALL TWENTY SWEEPS AGO?  
Dualscar: *pales* oh emissary that wvas you?

* * *

 

Signless: N9t that I'm ungrateful f9r the present, but y9u f9rg9t t9 put h9rn h9les 9n my cl9ak.  
Dolorosa: The cl+oak can fit easily o+ver your nubby ho+rns, dear.  
Signless: Why must y9u emasculate me at every turn, m9ther.

 


	2. Beforus sucked and so did Rufioh

Fanon Horuss: Oh my, Rufioh keeps flirting with me, I think I'll say yes, surely he's available?  
Canon Horuss: Attention rustb100d! I want to have a down-low secret k*nky aff*ir with you, never mind your lowb100d matesprit. Take this robot I painstakingly crafted for you.

* * *

 

Meenah: time for one of my motivational speeches  
Meenah: HEY YOU FUCKERS ARE ALL LOSERS AND YOUR RESPECTIVE MATESPRITS ARE CHEATING ON YOU!

* * *

 

Fanfic: Cronus is a rebel who doesn't care what people think.  
Me: Pfffffft no he isn't.

* * *

 

## A short Rufuss story

Adorable Innocent Children: Daddy and Pop-Pop, how did you meet?  
Rufioh: well...1 was at the l1brary study1ng...  
Horuss: （　･`ー･´） While I was in the dark udderbellies of the city e%ploring my deviant s*%uality...  
Rufioh: (f*ck)

* * *

 

## Shorter Damara/Rufioh conversations

Damara: <You broke my heart.>

Rufioh: eeyup

* * *

 

human!Horuss: *masturbates to gay porn*  
human!Horuss: *hooks up with rufioh*  
human!Horuss: *dates rufioh*  
human!Horuss: *marries rufioh*  
human!Horuss: *adopts several kids with rufioh*  
human!Horuss: *cheats on rufioh with another man but they make up and have a m/m/m threesome*  
human!Horuss: *celebrates 50th wedding anniversary with rufioh*  
human!Horuss: 8==D Of horse I'm 100% straight

* * *

 

## A conversation of Beforus

Highblood: I'm going to help you out!  
Lowblood: Thanks!  
Highblood: Because you're going to DIE soon and ROT IN THE GROUND and by the time you're a skeleton I won't even be out of young adulthood!  
Lowblood: Nevermind I'm cool.

* * *

 

Kurloz: NOW WE SHALL FEAST UPON THE MOTHERFUCKING CONFECTIONERY THAT THE ONE CALLED THE THIEF OF LIFE HAS BAKED FOR US MOTHERFUCKERS.  
Aranea: Even _I_ find you pretentious.

* * *

 

Fanon Kankri: the class representative who has never disobeyed any rules  
Canon Kankri: would fight god if he could

* * *

 

Rufioh: so how was 1t for you?  
Horuss: 8==D E%cellent!  
Horuss: 8==D~~ I might not feel emotionally-empty for an entire hoof hour after that!  
Rufioh: ...yeah 1t was good for me too...

* * *

 

Porrim: That was a nice t+orrid affair with Latula but it's run its c+ourse  
Porrim: Wh+o will I seduce next?  
Porrim: *looks around*  
Porrim: Maybe I can find an+other Latula...

* * *

 

Fanon Kankri: in charge of school rules  
Canon Kankri: expelled for refusing to wear a shirt two weeks running

* * *

 

Cronus: Wvhat's your biggest kink?  
Eridan: genocide  
Cronus: *stuffing ghost breadsticks into ghost purse* i got to go nowv

* * *

 

Horuss: I made a robotic copy of myself.  
Rufioh: that's pretty cool...  
Horuss: And a robotic copy of you.  
Rufioh: um...that's s1gn1f1cantly less cool...  
Horuss: 8==D Oh 100k, they're making out.  
Rufioh: ...

* * *

 

Rufioh hater: *hates rufioh for being a player who strung poor innocent horuss along and dumped him immediately  
Me: come on, horuss seduced him and they've been dating for eons  
Rufioh hater: *hates rufioh because he didn't do anything when meenah abused damara*  
Me: shit

* * *

 

## Deleted dialogue from Casual Encounters

Rufioh: how 1s the key br1dge l1ke j1mmy carter?  
Rufioh: ...both go 1n and out of rosslyn  
Horuss: Get the f*dge out of my car

* * *

 

## If I were Karkat in Openbound

Terezi: SH3'S JUST SO  
Terezi: R4D!  
Karkat: YEAH LATULA IS A PERFECT GODDESS.

* * *

 

Rufioh: 1'm stra1ght  
Horuss: 눈_눈 Why must you ruin our wedding day like this?

* * *

 

## Shorter Latula and Porrim in Openbound

Latula: 1t's r4d th4t m33n4h's b4ck! Grrl pow3r!  
Porrim: [twenty page essay on sexism in beforan society]  
Latula: huh?

* * *

 

Kurloz: SO I SHALL PROCURE FOR THE BARD OF RAGE A PURPLE CODPIECE.  
Gamzee: MOTHER FUCKIN SWEET  
Kurloz: TO REPLACE HIS DESTROYED BONE BULGE.  
Gamzee: wait how do you know about -  
Kurloz: HIS BONE BULGE THAT WAS DESTROYED WHEN A PEASANTBLOOD KICKED HIM SO HARD HE FELL OFF A CLIFF.  
Gamzee: don't go bringin up -  
Kurloz: WHILE HE LOOKED GAP-MOUTHED AT HER RUNNING UP TO HIM AND MADE NO MOVE TO DEFEND HIMSELF.  
Gamzee: i didn't expect to see a mother fuckin rainbow -  
Kurloz: DESTROYING A BONE BULGE THAT WAS ALREADY TINY AND INFERIOR  
Gamzee: i was like six at the -  
Kurloz: BUT MAYBE THIS CODPIECE WILL HELP HIM FEEL LIKE A MAN.  
Gamzee: LOOK I DON'T WANT THE MOTHER FUCKIN CODPIECE ANYMORE.  
Kurloz: :o(  
Gamzee: okay i'll take it.

* * *

 

Damara: < I could seduce Horuss >  
Rufioh: *thinks on how fucking gay Horuss is* um yeah

* * *

 

## Aranea on Meulin

Aranea: Some times in the middle of conversation Meulin just goes ramrod and says "ALL HAIL THE LORD OF DOU8LE DEATH" and her eyes flash purple. How odd.  
Aranea: Anyway, on to the 8ard of Hope.  
Aranea: The 8ard of Hope is a dickweed.

* * *

 

Kankri: Take 9ff that h9rri6ble 9utfit.  
Porrim: *rips off dress to reveal a sluttier outfit*  
Kankri: *rips off pants to reveal the sluttiest outfit of them all*  
Porrim: Y+ou win.

* * *

 

Damara: <Eat the rich.>  
Rufioh: *looks at Horuss* saaaay...

* * *

 

## What Rufioh should have done

Damara: <I caught you cheating!>

Damara: <There's nothing you can say that will stop me from punishing you!>

Rufioh: yes...pun1sh me...mommy...

Damara: <Except that.> *leaves*

* * *

 

## Their First Date

Horuss: Let's just watch some movies together.  
Horuss: I know you have a matesprit but...  
Horuss: It won't be weird.  
Rufioh: why d1d you break 1nto my tree h1ve?

* * *

 

## How Cronus broke the news

Cronus: So I realized I'm a humankin.  
Horuss: You are so STRONG to admit that.  
Horuss: I truly admire you now.  
Cronus: Thanks, chief, so -  
Horuss: Not enough to sleep with you, mind you.  
Horuss: But I still admire you.  
Cronus: Oh, okay, not disappointed at all by that reaction.

* * *

 

 

Porrim: I'm glad I'm free from the sexist ro+le Befo+rus fo+rced on me.  
Sgrub: You are the Maid of Space.  
Porrim: O+h fuck me.

* * *

 

## The Worst Humanstuck Rufuss Fic

Rufioh: 1 want to be a fa1ry!  
Genie: Poof! You are a fairy!  
fairy!Rufioh: huh, 1 don't have any w1ngs...  
fairy!Rufioh: but 1 do have the urge to see horuss...

 

* * *

 

## Horuss and Rufioh's Relationship Arc

Horuss: (¬､¬) I don't think you are such hot stuff, f001ish lowb100d.  
Rufioh: wow...that's such a sexy th1ng to say...  
Rufioh: 1 want to make love r1ght now...matespr1t be damned...  
Horuss: 8==D jk I think you are the greatest and se%iest troll to ever e%ist and I'll love you forever.  
Rufioh: nvm that ru1ned 1t for me

 

* * *

 

Horuss: Good news!  
Horuss: I've discovered something called "emotions".  
Rufioh: oh s**t

* * *

 

Aranea: It's strange, Horuss.  
Aranea: We're 8oth very attractive people who respect each other and could make each other very happy.  
Aranea: 8ut I don't sense any sexual chemistry from you.  
Aranea: Perhaps it is 8ecause our respective aspects, Light and Void, 8eing so opposite cannot com8ine together.  
Horuss: Or maybe I'm a homose%ual.  
Aranea: No that can't 8e it.

* * *

 

Rufioh: 1s 1t gay to dress up a dude l1ke a horse and r1de h1m?  
Rufioh: ask1ng for a fr1end...

* * *

 

## A conversation I want to see in a Homestuck fic

Kankri: Did y9u 6reak any rules at sch99l t9day?  
Karkat: NO.  
Kankri: Y9u c9ward. Y9u a6s9lute c9ward.

 

* * *

 

## what must be happening all the f****ing time

Rufioh: hey horuss 1 th1nk we should talk...  
Horuss: 8==D Yes?  
Rufioh: *turns head away in shame but accidentally hits horuss with bigass horns*  
Horuss: uhf! *passes out*  
Rufioh: saved aga1n

* * *

 

## Horuss and Rufioh in Westworld

Horuss: 8==D LOOK A HORSE! LOOK ANOTHER HORSE! LOOK AT THAT HORSE! ISN'T THIS AMAZING?? Also, the humans are well-made I suppose  
Rufioh: (okay does 1t count as cheat1ng 1f 1ts w1th a robot hooker)

* * *

 

Someone: I know you love horses but you don't actually want to fuck one, right?  
Horuss, taking too long to answer: ....no of horse not.

* * *

 

## a steamed hams chat because i know i will never finish my comic

Rufioh: egads! my roast 1s ru1ned!  
Rufioh: but perhaps 1f 1 were to go beh1nd the kurloz burger and s*** off horuss...  
Rufioh: del1ghtfully dev1l1sh, ruf1oh.  
Rufioh: *starts climbing out window*  
Damara: RUFIOH-KUN!  
Rufioh: just stretch1ng my calves on the w1ndow st1ll...marital arts kata...  
Damara: Why do you have an erection?

* * *

 

Rufioh: what 1 l1ke about you 1s...unl1ke damara...you're so sane  
Horuss, with his twenty different personality disorders and major depression: *sweats*

* * *

 

Rufioh: about horuss...1 -  
Damara: < If you are going to try to convince me again he's not a racist, I don't want to hear that shit. I have heard that over and over. "Oh, he doesn't mean it!" Just shut up and deal with the fact you have shitty taste in friends. >  
Rufioh: actually...1 was go1ng to tell you we're hav1ng an affa1r...  
Damara: ...  
Damara: < You have really shitty taste in boyfriends then. >

* * *

 

## Deleted dialogue from Openbound

Kankri: I remem6er that time when Meenah baked us all a cake and y9u went t9 smell it bef9re remem6ering you c9uldn't.  
Latula: W3ll th4t'z an oddly sp3c1f1c 4nd k1nd of cr33py th1ng to r3m-  
Kankri: And then Meenah had t99 much sugar and ugly cried a6out how much she l9ved us and sang lean 9n me.  
Latula: - yeah that's kind of awkward -  
Kankri: And she threw up all 9ver Cr9nus and Cr9nus -  
Latula: Pl34se stop r3m3mb3ring things.

* * *

 

## An In-Joke

Damara: Heard you broke up with Rufioh.  
Damara: Here is case of Mike's Hard Lemonade to drown sorrows.  
Horuss: Fuck you.

* * *

 

Damara: Rufioh, I'm going to the store so do you -  
Rufioh: DAMZ 1 CAN EXPLA1N!  
Damara: Explain what?  
Rufioh: sorry...reflex

* * *

 

Damara: Hey, fuckhead, did you know your boytoy Rufioh has a girlfriend?  
Horuss: I do and it actually turns me on.  
Damara: Well thanks for ruining my fantasies of this conversation.

* * *

 

Damara: RUFIOH YOU HAVE GRINDR ACCOUNT?  
Rufioh: l1sten damz 1 can...  
Damara: AND YOU SAY YOU EIGHT INCHES WHEN MORE LIKE 6 AND A HALF?

* * *

 

Fanon Horuss: equius but happy  
Canon Horuss: equius but with more crippling emotional problems

* * *

 

Rufioh: 1've got someth1ng to tell everyone...  
Rufioh: 1'm queer.  
Meenah, yelling from the back: WE ALR--E--EDY KNOW T)(AT! I WANNA KNOW WHO TOPS WIT)( YOU AND ZA)()(AK!

* * *

 

Meenah: hey whatsup  
Mituna: 1 4M C0N2T4NLY H0RNY 6UT 1 H4T3 831NG T0UCH3D!!!! skefjalskdv FML  
Meenah: i dont know what you said and i dont care

* * *

 

Kankri: I'm s9 damaged that s9me9ne sh9wing me 6asic respect causes me t9 fall madly in l9ve with them.  
Latula: My s3lf-3st33m 1s so b4d 1 c4n’t recogn1z3 4n obv1ous crush.  
Kankri: Let's h99k up!  
Latula: ...  
Kankri: As friends!

* * *

 

Horuss: (ಠ ∩ಠ) Ugh, young people these days  
Rufioh: but we're both young people...

* * *

 

Damara: Ted came over to pick up his stuff.  
Rufioh: who?  
Damara: You know, Ted Jones. From anime club.  
Rufioh: st1ll don't get you doll.  
Damara: *giant sigh* The Big Douchemeister T came over to pick up his stuff.  
Rufioh: oh yeah! h1m! how's h1s engagement go1ng?

* * *

 

Horuss: Care for some of my finest ambrosia?  
Rufioh: sure...make m1ne on the rocks...w1th a l1l d1et spr1te...  
Horuss: <3<

* * *

 

## don't go on grindr

Horuss: Greetings.  
Rufioh: hey sup  
Rufioh: wait your prof1le says "no fems no r1ce"...why are you hmu?  
Horuss: *five minutes pass* It says no such thing. You should check again.  
Rufioh: you just changed your prof1le!  
Rufioh: and you went from "strictly top" to "vers1tlle" too!

* * *

 

## Their First Meeting

Rufioh: H1...my name 1s ruf1oh n1tram.  
Horuss: 눈_눈 I am not interested in you at all.  
Rufioh: ?  
Horuss: (；´瓜｀) Sorry, I don't know how to flirt.

* * *

 

Kankri: Punch all high6l99d supremacists.  
Aranea: Say, did you know Signless did that? Our Post-Scratch selves were 8etter than us in every way, don't you think?  
Kankri, a known contrarian: Actually I think he w9uld have 6een superi9r if he used n9n-vi9lent pr9test.

* * *

 

Kankri: Th9ugh I am n9rmally 9pp9sed t9 vi9lence I made a list 9f pe9ple it w9uld be m9rally justified t9 kill.  
Meenah: *reading list* yeah...yeah...i can sea that...wait...T)(--E )(--EIR--ESS!!! WTF?? W)(Y DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME??  
Kankri: It's n9thing pers9nal.

* * *

 

Kankri: P9rrim, call me Kanny 9ne m9re time and...  
Kankri: *gun cocking noise*  
Porrim: Ho+w did yo+u make that so+und with a whistle?!

* * *

 

Kankri: In c9nclusi9n, I think the Signless was misguided t9 use vi9lence.  
Karkat: zzzzzz...  
Kankri: Really, I killed a l9t 9f pe9ple 9n 6ef9rus and it s9lved a6s9lutely n9thing.  
Karkat: zzzzzz...WHAT???

* * *

 

Rufioh: heads up my boyfr1end 1s com1ng over for a 3some  
Damara: YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?! YOU'VE BEEN LYING TO ME!  
Rufioh: PORN L1ED F1RST!

* * *

 

## a pretty canon conversation

Meenah: )(ey can i get ya to do somefin?  
Kankri: Are y9u Latula?  
Meenah: no  
Kankri: Then y9u can't.

* * *

 

Damara: Where did you meet Horuss?  
Rufioh: At the Church.  
Damara: Isn't that the nickname of the secret gay leather club down the street?  
Rufioh: ...how do you know that?

* * *

 

## A conversation I can imagine human Aranea having

Aranea: I am fascinated 8y the struggles of the LGBT community.  
Aranea: I just wish I knew someone LGBT.  
Meenah: *speechless*

* * *

 

Signless: *creates a powerful social movement that lasts long after his death and only dies because the empire is that much more powerful*  
Kankri: Hey 9P d9 y9u take c9nstructive criticism?

* * *

 

Horuss: Aranea Serket,  
Horuss: Will you be my beard?  
Aranea: Assuming you meant bride my answer is yes.  
Horuss: *sweats*

* * *

 

beforus!Feferi: *over phone* PL---EAS--E guppy, come )(OM--E!!!  
Meenah: s)(orey ma im afraid our fuc)(sia genes will force us to fig)(t to the deat)(.  
beforus!Feferi: For t)(e last time my top scientist )(ave explained t)(at's not a t)(ing!  
Meenah: o)( t)(at's just w)(at t)(ey WANT ya to t)(ink.

* * *

 

## How the aftermath happened

Aranea: Hey I'm just checking out your land here and-  
Aranea: Oh my God! What happened to Mituna! He looks injured!  
Kurloz: HE SAVED US FROM A GREAT EVIL BUT NOW HE IS PERMANENTLY AND IRREPARABLY PAN DAMAGED. I POUR ONE OUT FOR MY MOIRAIL AND HOMIE. NEVER AGAIN SHALL WE SEE SUCH VALOR. TO THINK THAT HE WILL NEVER AGAIN BE ABLE TO TALK COHERENTLY MAKES MY BREATH-STALK CONSTRICT WITH GRIEF. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO SUCH A RIGHTEOUS MOTHERFUCKER. WHY???? MOTHERFUCKING WHY???  
Aranea: Okay what was this great evil and how did he save us?  
Kurloz: LOOK IT WAS JUST A REALLY GREAT FEAT OF HEROISM OKAY? DON'T QUESTION IT.

* * *

 

Hussie: *creates latula, a perfect being*  
Hussie: yessss take that commercials from the 90s!

* * *

 

## Damara works retail

Customer: Could I get a -  
Damara: No speak English.  
Customer: But I just listened to you yell in English on the phone to your boyfriend or something for five whole -  
Damara: No speak English. *closes register* *lights cigarette*

* * *

 

## In which human!Meenah has good gaydar

Damara: I JUST DISCOVERED MY RUFIOH WITH HORUSS.  
Damara: YOU KNEW THEY HAD FEELING FOR EACH OTHER AND SET THEM UP AND KEPT ME FROM KNOWING.  
Meenah: you got all dat from me sayin nitram spends way too much time on his hair to be straight

* * *

 

Karkat: SO WHICH OF THESE THREE ARE YOUR FAVORITE: HEATHERS, BE MORE CHILL, OR DEAR EVAN HANSEN?  
Meulin: (^•o•^)< I'M DEAF SILLY  
Karkat: *dies of shame*

* * *

 

Equius: D --> I am so lonely  
Equius: D --> How did you meet your matesprit  
Horuss: 8===D I'm glad you asked that  
Horuss: 8===D I was walking around outside when  
Equius: D --> Unrealistic  
Equius: D --> Blocked

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
